A month has passed since I wrote my first Trying to Conceive update and I had hoped to update a little more regularly but everything’s just sort of……..stopped.
The waiting for an appointment at the hospital or for one of those super swimmers to reach an egg is comparable to walking up the downwards escalator.
Can you tell I’m feeling negative today??
A very close person to me has recently found out she’s pregnant after nigh on a decade of suffering from Polycystic Ovaries and absent periods. When she found out she was pregnant she’d not had a period for a few months. So I guess never say ‘never’.
Having a third baby means so much more to me than just expanding the family. It would signify the end of a chapter that I’d like to lock shut forever. A new beginning, fresh thoughts, new goals and a passion for life. It’s been well over a year now and I am still sat in the waiting room.
So much, in my mind, hinges on when I get pregnant. Imagine sitting and watching the lottery draw with an endless stream of tickets….that.
Everyday I sit in my little office at home and watch the postie pull up in his little Red van. It stops literally outside my office window and I never really know whether to raise a smile, wave or just pretend I don’t see him. Wondering if I’ll be opening a hospital appointment is all I can think about for those few moments but when he walks by without stopping at our house it’s like a right kick in the teeth.
But, at the same time I’m anxious.
What if, after my laparoscopy, I’m told I can’t or will struggle to conceive naturally? What then? Do I pretend I don’t want another child? Do we save up for IVF?
I’ve always tried to maintain that what will be will be and what happens in life usually happens for a reason so why throw money at something or someone that’s not here? That money could buy my son his first car or my daughters first year at university.
I’ll tell you why. Because I feel like someone is missing. I’ve imagined that tiny person in my arms so many times they’re almost real and I already miss them.