Miscarriage – it’s all over

preg

 

I’ve deleted this first sentence so many times.  How do I begin to explain my miscarriage?

Yesterday, at 7 weeks pregnant, Matt and I went for a private, early reassurance scan at Hello Baby in Cheltenham.  After many months of disappointment I needed to know everything was ok.  I think Matt secretly thought it was a bit pointless, he’s always the optimist and was confident everything was ok.  I’d been looking forward to the appointment since I made it a week ago but yesterday morning I just didn’t feel pregnant, my boobs didn’t hurt, my skin was perfectly clear, I had no nausea – but maybe I was just lucky.  I did have back pains and Matt reassured me that I had these with Florence.

We arrived just before 10am and the smiley receptionist made us a Tassimo coffee, Matt and I passed comment at how nice the coffee was and the setting in general.  I completed a form with my basic information on and soon after we were called into a large room with a sofa, a couch/bed and the computer used for scanning.  The sonographer smiled and asked me to hop up on the bed.  I tucked the clean, white towel into my leggings and the jelly was squirted on to my belly.  It made a racket as the bottle was almost empty and I had visions of it spraying all over the place.

The wand was passed over the jelly and some pressure was applied which made my very full bladder a little painful but it would all be worth it for the first glimpses of our baby.  More pressure was applied and I could see a very small, grey area which didn’t look anything like I expected.  At 7wks you should see the very beginnings of arms and legs.  There were no arms or legs.  The sonographer muttered that it seemed like a very early pregnancy and asked if I would mind having an internal scan. I agreed and popped to the toilet to empty my bladder and that’s when it began.  I wiped and there, on the tissue, was blood.  Bright red blood.  I stood there, shut my eyes and said the smallest of prayers “please don’t let this be happening”.  I was in a daze as I walked back into the room where Matt and the sonographer were waiting.  Matt could see I looked upset, and I just blurted out “I don’t think you can do the scan as I am bleeding”.  The sonographer immediately tilted her head in that sympathetic way and said “oh sweetheart”.  We agreed that we would carry on and see what was happening.

The internal scan revealed that gestational sac barely measured 3.5 weeks. My heart sank and I knew what was happening. Despite the sonographers best efforts to try and convince me it was just an early pregnancy, I knew it wasn’t.  I knew the dates didn’t work out compared to when I got the positive tests.  She even said the sac had moved between the external and the internal scan.  My baby shouldn’t move, it should be embedded, growing.

I was referred to my GP and was seen by them within half an hour of leaving the clinic.  My doctor was much more pragmatic and told me what to expect if I were to miscarry.  He also booked me a scan at the Early Pregnant Unit at Gloucester Royal Hospital for the next morning (today).  Following the appointment I collected Florence from nursery and we went home, we laid on my bed and I cried.  Florence wondered what was wrong but just kept cuddling and kissing me.

The bleeding had slowed during the evening but at 3am it was back in force and I knew the worst was still to come.  My back felt like I was in labour and I dashed to the toilet frequently.

I made the decision not to go to the EPU as I knew what had happened.  I didn’t want to go through yesterday all over again.  I didn’t want them poking around while I am losing our baby.

I’ve had so many messages of support that it confirms that I made the right decision to share our previously happy news so early on.  I would hate to be suffering this in silence.  I know Matt has confided in people at work and I think that’s good – it’s not healthy to keep it all bottled up.  I also know of so many pregnancies that have failed after the 12 week mark that I don’t think there is ever a ‘safe’ time to share.  I hope me writing this has helped not only me come to terms with it but also others who have, are or will go through the same thing.

Que Sera Sera!

Please continue to follow our journey here, on Instagram and on Facebook.

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14 Comments

  1. Jen
    August 6, 2015 / 9:18 am

    I am so sorry to hear this huni. Chin up and keep being strong. I think it’s amazing your sharing your story I hope it helps you and others.0
    Lots of love
    Jen x
    http://jenjbboutique.co.uk

  2. August 6, 2015 / 11:49 am

    So sorry to hear this 🙁 Take good care of yourself x

  3. August 6, 2015 / 1:55 pm

    Oh sweetie. I am so so sorry to hear this. You are so amazingly brave to share this so publically. I wish there was something I could say to make it right but I know I can’t. All I can do is say sorry.

  4. August 6, 2015 / 2:07 pm

    I’m so sorry this has happened to you, when I went to my 12 week scan with the one I miscarried I knew that morning something was wrong. I never bled and had to have an ERPC, it was awful and I cried so hard. But we tried again and it took almost a year but now my daughter is 4, someone once told me there is always hope. I kept that close to my heart and stil do. xx

  5. August 6, 2015 / 3:57 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear your news. Sending lots of love and hugs your way xx

  6. August 6, 2015 / 4:03 pm

    Oh sweetheart, my heart is aching for you and your loss. You might have only been a few weeks, but it only takes seconds after finding out to truly love.
    You absolutely (I think) did the right thing announcing as you won’t suffer this alone, you have people who care and I would do anything to pop by with a ton of cake and just give you the biggest hug x

  7. August 6, 2015 / 5:09 pm

    I am very sorry what you are going through right now. I have gone through a few miscarriages and this brought back memories and tears while reading. Stay strong hun, I pray for you to heal from this and are strong enough to continue your journey.

  8. August 6, 2015 / 9:35 pm

    There are no words. I’m so sorry x

  9. August 8, 2015 / 11:27 am

    I am so very sorry to hear this. It’s every parents nightmare and biggest fear, but you’re right by speaking about your pregnancy early on it means you’ll have that support network around you at the most vital time. I don’t know why people are hesitant to mention pregnancy before 12 weeks, this is the reason why it should be mentioned. Your baby will always be your baby whether or not it made it to 12 weeks. I hope you feel better soon.

    • admin
      Author
      August 11, 2015 / 12:04 pm

      Thank you Katie. It’s been the worst week of my life 🙁 x

  10. August 11, 2015 / 2:28 pm

    I am so sad to hear this. Gutted for you and your writing made me cry. Sharing does bring support and I really hope that helps. I found the organisation “Saying Goodbye” helpful too in case that helps. You have the whole blogging/vlogging community here to help if we can. Hugs x

    • admin
      Author
      August 11, 2015 / 2:42 pm

      Thanks Jules. It really has helped being able to talk about it with so many people and I wouldn’t hesitate to share our news early again the next time. Someone has already referred me to the Saying Goodbye organisation and they look fab. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. xx

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