I wanted to be pregnant. Like I REALLY wanted to be pregnant. And then I got pregnant. And then I got nausea and crippling migraines. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it and I’d do it all again.
I wanted to be a stay at home mum. I disliked my job and I wanted to finally raise a child myself without relying on care providers. Having Elsie meant my wish was granted but now we are where we are and it’s so bloody hard.
Just because you wanted something it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. Some people might say well “that’s what you wanted to do”. And yes, they’d be right but it doesn’t make it the easy option.
Elsie’s hit some kind of wall and we seem to be stuck in this never ending cycle of three feeds a night, lots of shuffling around and early wake ups. Coupled with the fact the husbands work is full on right now and I feel like a single parent; it’s fair to say I’m at my wits end.
It’s Wednesday and yesterday, besides the school run, I didn’t leave the house. I may have popped into Tesco whilst on the school run but I didn’t do anything. I haven’t spoken, properly, to anyone over the age of 4 for three days now. I’m not sure how I ever managed to do an adult job and I totally understand why some women are nervous to go back into the workplace after maternity leave; I mean what do you talk about? Nappies? Poo? Vomit? Yay.
I could get myself out there. I’m sure there are plenty of classes and people I could visit to take myself out of this cycle but I’m tired. I’m so tired I struggle to get through a day at home let alone plan to go out. I sit for 90% of the day in the same room as the kitchen and one of the lounge areas are joined so I bounce between Elsie and cooking or cleaning in the kitchen. Oh and there’s a little ironing thrown in too but I’ve almost given up on that as Elsie seems to squeal every time I stand behind the board.
I know you’re probably thinking shut the hell up and get on with it but this is my blog and it’s where I brain dump all the stuff I’d say to the people I don’t see.
It’s 5:15am and Flo all no doubt be up in about an hour so I had better try and get some sleep.
I’m feeling a little sorry for myself if you couldn’t tell. My next post will be a little more upbeat. I promise.